


Playing Alone

by NightmareWolf



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, Gen, Self-Harm, Sort of at least, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, not really shipping but they have their gay moments so take it as you will
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 19:09:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18879424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightmareWolf/pseuds/NightmareWolf
Summary: Why am I constantly debating the same thing with myself?





	Playing Alone

**Author's Note:**

> gugugh I've had this on a google doc since october of 2018 and have been editing it little by little until this day. now it's finally done after months of inactivity woo-hoo.  
> as always...head canon based...  
> also pretty depressing at some parts so uh caution i suppose  
> also kinda personal and more violent. so yeaaaahaha  
> thats it yippie

“Hey, Edd.”

Instantly, Edd's attention was ripped from the game he was so enveloped in playing. He looked up at Tord, who had just entered the living room.

Edd slowly closed the top of his sleek jet-black DS, giving Tord a inquisitive look. “Uh...yeah? Better be important.”  _I was just about win the trial!_ Edd added on silently, still thinking of the video game he had been playing.

Tord scoffed, sitting down at the opposite side of the couch. “Yeah, yeah. I wanna tell you somethin’ that happened.” He paused only to whisk out a classy looking cigar. Oddly, he seemed to have no intention to light it, as his hands didn't reach for a lighter. He just fumbled around with it in his hand. He always seemed to have a new cigar with him all the time; like a magician and his magic trick, a cigar always seemed to appear and disappear magically. But unlike the fun, quirky tricks a magician would show you, Tord would just show you the results of future lung cancer.

...Anyway,

After he took out the unlit cigar he continued his tale without any input from Edd. “I was hanging about an old game store when I saw some chick walk in. It caught my attention ‘cuz she looked really familiar—and hot. So, I asked her for her name,” Tord gave a ghost of a chuckle, playing around absently with the cigar in his hand. “She said it was Kim, which honestly was a fucking shock. I mean—I haven't seen her in, like, what? Five? Six years? It's weird to see somebody like that out of the blue in a game shop all of a sudden...You remember Kim, right?”

Despite the fact Tord _never_ talks this much, Edd listened to him. Although, he honestly just wanted to get back to his game right now. However, when Tord asked him if he remembered Kim...nothing clicked. At all.

“Uh...what did she look like?” Edd asked. “I don't remember her.”

“What? You don't?” Tord scoffed like Edd was stupid or something (he was, but not for this reason!) and twirled around his cigar. “The hot blonde chick that moved in next to our old apartment? I'm surprised you'd forget,” Tord smirked, then added on in jest, “she had big tits.”

Ignoring Tord's comment, Edd raced through his mind. It took about a few seconds, but that metaphorical light bulb went off in his head.

Right, Kim. That girl he thought he had a crush on and viciously tried to win her affection. He, although vaguely, remembered her. She probably didn't remember them, though. Especially not a virgin loser like Tord.

Edd smirked at his unspoken insult.

Still, Tord remarked the last time he had saw her was...five or six years ago. But that couldn't be right, could it? After all, Edd remembered seeing her not _that_ long ago. Perhaps four years? And it wasn't at their apartment. Well, it _was_ , but it wasn't when they first met. It was sometime after that. What was he thinking about?

It could've been anytime between then and them getting an actual house. About a few years span. So what was he remembering…?

“Are you fucking deaf or something?”

Edd blinked, raising his head back up at Tord who didn't seem all that humored now. “I've been saying your name like a schizophrenic for, like, half a minute now.”

“Man. I feel so bad I upset the guy that uses a hentai icon,” Edd sarcastically responded with a sly grin, subsequently causing Tord's expression to become one of a scowl. “Hey, fuck you.”

“Wow, that's gay,” Edd quipped back as he rested his head on the arm of the couch.

Something didn't feel right.

There was something his mind was blocking that he knew. Something that involved Kim. But he couldn't remember. Maybe Tord could? They lived together at the time, just the two of them...if anybody else had a chance of remembering something about Kim, it had to be Tord.

“Tord,” Edd spoke up again. “Do you remember anything...else about Kim?”

“Else? Like the fact she was a lesbian?” Tord huffed with a smirk. Edd, however, didn't seem as amused.

“No, no, like...I get the feeling that I saw her during...uh, something important. While we were still at our old apartment…” Edd wasn't quite sure why he chose the word important, but that's what resonated with him the most.

It felt important.

Tord frowned, his eyes darting up as he thought to himself. He hummed. “Important? Well…” He grabbed the cigar in his hand tightly as he thought, digging his sharp nails into it without a thought. “The most important I can think of is when she was an eyewitness.”

“Eyewitness?” Edd replied, a baffled and bewildered expression coming over his tone and face.

Tord looked like he was about to speak, presumably make a snarky comment about Edd being stupid for not remembering, but seemed like he fought against doing it, and instead just closed his mouth before explaining. “She was the only one who saw you get into your car and disappear that night. My guess is you saw her, too.”

 _That_ night?

“What? She…” Edd didn't know he could get any more confused. Disappear? He disappeared? What was Tord saying? When did he ever…

**~~“I'm sorry.”~~ **

When did he…

~~**“I can't do this.”** ~~

.  
.  
.

  
It was a cold February night. Tord was already asleep in his small, messy apartment room. Edd wasn't.

Edd stared out the bathroom window for what he could only describe as a century. Everything felt slow. Everything felt like it lasted forever yet was going by too fast. The street light reflecting off the layers of snow was all the light he needed. The bathroom lights stayed off while the window of dimly illuminated the white walls of the bathroom. In the room came hushed whispers, ones begging to break out into screams. Edd stayed seated on the edge of the bathtub, rivers of tears dripping down his face as he took in ever shaky breaths.

“I'm sorry.”

He recalled those words he spoke to himself as he raised the already bloodied precision knife from his abused leg to his wrist. One carefully aimed stab is all it takes. He shakily breathed as more hot tears flooded down his face. His hands shook. He just needed to do this. Then, he'd be happy again. It's so easy. He just needed to do it.

“I can't.”

A barely audible whisper broke from his trembling lips. He dropped the knife down on the bathroom tile, hiding his face in his hands as he heard the knife clash against the hard floor, miserably sobbing.

“I can't do this.”

He spent so many minutes lamenting to himself; about who he's become. About the never ending cycle of torture that he felt life was. It really wasn't fair he had to feel this way, he just wanted to be happy. Was that too much to ask? What did he do to deserve this?

Everyday was the same. Even when he wasn't sad, he still felt hollow. Even if he had reason to continue, he didn't see a point in it. Everything felt fake. The people felt like robots. _Robots_ wouldn't miss him when he's gone.

Why? What happened? Those were the only words repeating in Edd's mind as he sobbed violently to the point of making himself gag, trying to muffle the sounds with his hand to not wake up Tord.

He was miserable, and just wanted it to end.

Yet, he was a coward who couldn't even do that.

The next few moments were a blur. He rolled down his sleeves and his pants to hide the fresh blood leaking down his torn flesh. He, rather stoically compared to how he was in the bathroom, grabbed his car keys and wallet off the table in the living room. He flickered his gaze over to see Tord, blissfully unaware of what was happening as he slept on the couch.

Tord can handle himself.

More tears fell down Edd's face, those hot tears being the only warmth in the cold night air of February. He stood there in the pitiful amount of snow, his eyes locked onto the pale moon.

He wondered, is there anyone else looking at the moon right now just like him? Is there anyone else who feels the way he does? Who could understand?

Edd choked back another sob as he got into his car. He didn't even know where he was going. Where did he want to go? He hadn't thought of it. He was just running on autopilot.

He could drive off a cliff.  
Into a tree.  
Maybe, into a lake.  
Hopefully one of those would kill him.

Edd started up the car. Maybe he'd do that.

It's weird to think he only got through highschool by convincing himself that college would be better. By convincing himself that the pain wouldn't last forever.

What a joke.

Edd wiped the tears off his face in vain as they kept flowing down. Being outside now in a closed car, he decided to let out his feeling. He didn't try muffling himself or holding back sobs. He freely wept. He choked out blood-curdling cries of despair. It was heart wrenching; depressing. He probably sat there crying for several minutes, only letting up when he couldn't cry anymore tears.

Pretty pathetic to be crying like a kid when you're an adult now.

He leaned back, resting his head against the top of the car seat. He didn't bother to wipe the tears off his wet face, what good would it do? The sounds of his shaky breathing were only interrupted when he caught something out of the corner of his eye. Fuck, did Tord wake up?

Well, no. He looked out his car's window to see a woman with long, blonde hair that looked silver in the pale moonlight staring at him.

_Kim?_

What was she doing up at this time? Why was she staring at him? Why was she giving him this concerned look? Had she seen him crying? How long had she been standing there?

Edd quickly looked away, shame being the only burning warmth amidst the cold air. He would've loved to tell her what was going through his head as a cry for help, but he was far too ashamed to do so. It was better if he just did what he had to.

Without looking back, he drove off.

...

 

The drive was mundane. Edd felt like time—or anything else for that matter—was barely passing. He, several times, was tempted to swerve off the road and crash himself into a tree, or fling himself down a steep hill. Even when his hand flinched with the intention to act on the sudden movement, Edd fought against it. He would find a cleaner, less environmentally destructive way to rid himself. It was a morbid thought, but it was all that was on his mind.

He found himself, thirty minutes in, to be in the city. He knew this area—he didn't visit it often, being a college student, but he knew this area. He parked his car by some store, not intending in the slightest to shop. The store was brightly lit, even though it was probably edging around 4:00 A.M. As they say, the city never sleeps; this city was wide awake. Almost every chain store, restaurant, and establishment was open. Street lights sparkled brightly and several people were walking on the sidewalks, some chatting with friends as if it were the middle of the day. Cars, presumably ones just passing through, drove by the area, and Edd could hear some crappy pop music playing from the open doors of a convenience store. It was quite amazing; it made Edd feel a little less lonely to know others were up at this time, too. He strolled around, realizing he hadn't payed much attention to this city before. Maybe there were some nice sights he could see and take his mind off his troubles.

He wasn't used to walking, evident to how he was winded after walking only two blocks—Matt would always tease him for being so out of shape. As Edd peered through the window of a closed bookstore the thought made him flinch. He realized he hadn't spoken to Matt or Tom in a while. Being so busy with college and work, he barely spoke to anyone. Even Tord, who lived with him, didn't see him until later hours. He wondered how his old best friend was doing. Did Matt miss talking to him? Was he in college, too? The lack of texts from him told Edd with a nagging sadness that the other probably didn't have a need for him anymore. He was an adult now, not confined to the walls of a highschool. He could live his life now. He didn't need Edd.

Edd swallowed the lump in his throat as he trudged down the bright sidewalk, the roars of cars seeming like nothing more than brisk winds. He sat down on a bench outside of a shop, deciding to rest for a moment.

 _What about Tom?_ The thought hit him. He hadn't talked to Tom in forever, even longer than Matt. Tom was such a sweet kid in highschool, what the hell was he up to now? All he remembered last was the other saying he got an apartment, but that was it. He was wondering if Tom had pursued music as a career, if he's changed at all. He could still remember how dorky and emo Tom looked in highschool, and how anxious and caring he was. He really missed him. Poignantly, he realize he should've been kinder to Tom. He took their friendship for granted, didn't he? Maybe he did deserve this loneliness.

At least Tord was a reminder that he wasn't _completely_ useless. Without Edd, Tord wouldn't know jack shit about the outside world. He seemed reluctant to open up about his home life, but Edd could gather he didn't have much growing up and was pretty sheltered. But Edd knew, begrudgingly, Matt would be the one to teach Tord about everything if Edd wasn't there. Hell, Matt knew more about life than Edd did. He was so social, he’s probably seen and heard everything. Then again, he wasn't very smart. Sure, he could teach Tord about social life, but he didn't think he'd be a great teacher on how to do your taxes or work appliances. Edd huffed with amusement at the thought, but it only made everything hurt more.

“Hey there,” a voice called. Edd froze and picked his head up, his gaze shifting to see somebody new sitting next to him. He seemed to be wearing really casual clothes, and had short black hair. “Are you lost?”

“No,” Edd answered the stranger, although he seemed familiar somehow. He narrowed his eyes in thought, and the stranger seemed to have an acknowledging glint in his gaze, as if he knew what Edd was thinking. “Sorry if this sounds weird, but...do I know you?”

“I dunno. Possibly,” The dark-haired stranger shrugged and leaned back against the bench. He changed the subject. “If you're not lost, you should hurry home. There's a snowstorm coming, you know.”

 _A snowstorm_ , Edd thought. For a moment, he wondered how it would feel to die at the hands of a snowstorm. Imagining the bitter coldness slowly freezing over your body until you couldn't move or feel didn't put a pleasant image in his mind, to say the least. He shivered.

The stranger stared at him with his blue eyes, again looking as if he knew what Edd was thinking. “Your hoodie won't block out the cold for very long, so I suggest getting home soon.”

“What about you? You're wearing a t-shirt!”

The stranger hesitated and then chuckled nervously, as if caught off guard. “I don't plan to stick around much longer.”

 _Neither do I_ , Edd had bitterly thought. “Well, thanks for the warning,” he dismissed. Honestly, Edd could care less about being caught in a snowstorm. He’d go home when he felt like it.

Edd expected the stranger to go now that their idle weather chat had come to a close, but he stayed seated there. His icy blue gaze pierced Edd and, for a moment, he felt unsafe. What was this man thinking? Was he planning to hurt him? Sudden paranoia gripped Edd and he tensed, ready to defend himself if necessary. But that fear melted as the stranger simply said, “You're having a rough day, aren't you?”

Edd looked back at him, his brown eyes clouded with surprise and, more so, bewilderment. “How—”

“I can tell by your look,” the stranger cut him off. “You look lifeless, no offense. And you look to be a college student too, no?” When Edd gave a hesitant nod, the man went on. “That's a rough period, no doubt. Is something bothering you? Perhaps workload?” His voice was smooth as silk and calm, it felt as if this man had said these kind of things before, and that Edd had heard this before, but in another way. And his statement was phrased almost purposefully so in a way that it could be gainsaid. It was as if he expected, even implored, Edd to correct him. Edd opened his mouth to, but hesitated. He didn't know if he should open up to a stranger. It was embarrassing; dumping all your problems on someone you don't even know. Surely he'd be mocked.

...But if he was going to die anyway, would it matter at all if he told this stranger his strife? Who knows, perhaps he has some advice to share? Not like advice was going to help much now but it was the thought that counts, right?

“Nah,” was the only word to come out of Edd's mouth. What an...awkwardly casual way to address the situation. Edd quickly realized this and, with embarrassment burning under his hoodie, quickly elaborated. “Just...figuring yourself out kind of thing, you know?” This rhetorical statement was followed by a shrug.

He guessed _“figuring yourself out”_ was the most sugar-coated way to put it. In fact, it was a borderline lie.

“Oh, yes, that seems to be a college student thing, too,” the stranger replied with a reminiscent smile. “Most adults in their 30's don't even know what they're doing! You've got a lot of time on your hands.”

 _Perhaps_ too _much time_ , Edd thought. He felt slightly indignation, but that was only his own fault. This wasn't about him not knowing what he wanted to do with his life, it was about him not wanting to _live_ that life. But, he supposed with the way he phrased his wording, he couldn't blame this man for getting the wrong idea.

Again, he stared at Edd with that same piercing blue gaze that creeped the hell out of him. Edd was about to ask something along the lines of “yes? The fuck you want?” (But in a much nicer tone) until the stranger spoke first. “By the way, if you're new here, there's a really cool lake down east. It's basically a tourist attraction.”

Edd blinked. With a dumbfounded look, his attention turned away from the stranger to look east. He didn't see anything; it was probably further down the road. “Well, okay—” Edd, turning around, was shocked to see that man he had been talking to had completely gone. He blinked a few times, rubbed his eyes, got up and looked around, but the man was nowhere to be found.

 _Did I imagine all that?_ He wondered. _No, it was far too real. Am I just going crazy?_

_I'm probably going insane._

The looming threat of being caught in a snowstorm felt like nothing but a mere inconvenience at that point. Edd slowly got up from the bench, his eyes darting around the area in search of the man he had been talking to; but alas, he was nowhere to be found. He put his hands in his pockets and, almost as if it were obligation now, found his legs carrying him east.

Further on east, the city became darker and less populated. Fewer street lights and shops were set up, and Edd had gone a full minute without having any other person pass him by. It wasn't scary, but it felt shady. Like this was the “bad” part of town. Edd was cautious of getting mugged or attacked, so he made sure to stay alert. He couldn't help but wonder—as he stared up at the tree that hung high above his head as he walked down the path—if anybody else felt like this. They always say you're not alone in this, that other people feel this way, but Edd couldn't help but feel the loneliest he had ever been. Unlike highschool, he at least had his friends by his side everyday. Now it was just him, alone, and occasionally with Tord. Tom hadn't spoken to anyone in a while, and the few times Edd texted Matt he usually didn't get a response.

 _I was right all along_ , Edd thought, a rising feeling of sadness and, more so, anger pulsing in his chest. _They never liked me! They don't want me anymore._

Edd didn't even notice the hot tears streaming down his face until he blinked. He was a fucking moron. He clung onto some stupid hope in highschool that they just might have cared about him, and kept going because of that. How insulting that it was all for nothing.

_If they don't care about me anymore then they don't deserve to be in my thoughts! I don't owe them anything; and I sure as hell don't owe them by being alive!_

Irate fueled misery coaxed him into picking up his speed, his casual sauntering gradually becoming a desperate sprint. He was longing to get away from everything, to leave his friends, to leave his life; he couldn't remember the last time he was this desperate to die.

He wasn't paying attention as he ran through a dark field near the city. Passing some trees, he found himself loosing his footing and plummeting down. With the sound of his own harsh panting and blood roaring in his ears combined with tears and wind blurring his vision, he didn't have much of an idea of where he was headed. Thus, this carelessness ended him under freezing cold water. He almost gasped as his eyes widened, stinging against the dark, black waters of the lake. He had barley any time to catch his breath and couldn't see the moonlight seeping through the water  _anywhere_. Frantically, he kicked his legs and paddled his arms, quickly reaching the grassy shore. Gasping and coughing, Edd hauled himself up, shivering and wet, onto the grass.

God, what a fucking embarrassment. He ran straight into a lake. What a moron he was. A _blockhe(a)dd_ you could say.

Ha...he didn't even crack the faintest of a smile at his own joke.

Edd sunk down into the short, dark grass with defeat and hopelessness weighing him down. His body was shivering like a leaf in the wind. If he stayed out here too long wet like this, he'd surely die from low temperature, right? This thought was supported more by the first few flakes of snow that fluttered down from the night sky, signaling the beginning of the storm to come.

 _But who cares, right?_ Edd thought. _If it's me dying, then it's not a big deal._

The lake in front of Edd stretched seemingly forever, reflecting the bright moon and glittering stars. It was surrounded by evergreen trees, and Edd figured this must be the “cool lake” that stranger mentioned. But who cares? It's a dumb old lake. It's like any other lake he's seen. Sure, it's pretty, but what's the fucking point? Pretty doesn't mean jack shit. A pretty image won't magically make life worth living.

Edd felt a cold breeze buffer against him, making him grit his teeth. God, it was so fucking cold. He might as well just jump in the lake and die that way, since he’s just wasting time waiting to die a slow, cold, and painful death.

The more he thought about it, the more he couldn't help but repeat those words in his head.

_If it's me dying, then it's not a big deal._

To his surprise, there was a response. He swore he heard a voice, but it was so faint he only had the recollection of the words, and no voice to match them with.

_It is a big deal._

A little startled by the sudden voice, Edd twisted his body. Right, left, up...nobody was around him. He was alone. Was he talking back to himself without even realizing it?

_Stop wasting time here._

_I only have time_ to _waste_ , Edd replied back to himself in his head. _I'll be dead before the morning comes, who cares what I do from then and now?_

_And just give up?_

_I think I've tried hard enough, and nothing's improved. There's no point anymore._

_There's always a point._

_I'm sure my parents and my friends don't give a shit about me. I have nobody to let down by leaving._

_Who cares what they think? Live for you, not for them. You don't owe them anything._

_Which is why I should die._

_Which is why you should stop using them to judge your worth._

_But they're the only things in life that made me happy!_ Edd wanted to wail the words out to this imaginary opponent of his. _Nothing else is worth it. Nothing else helps!_

_Maybe you haven't found the right kind of help yet._

As if on cue, Edd's eyes caught sight of a faint glow in the distance—a building. It seemed to glow white from what he could see, but it was a while away. Maybe it was that desperation to get away again, or the silent demands of the voice in his head, but he felt he needed to go to this building. Right now. Whatever it was, he felt drawn to it. Whatever it was, it's where he would go. Still shaking and wet with snow now falling, Edd began what was a walk, but felt more like a journey.  


...

  
“Where the bloody hell have you been!?”

Two weeks, half a moon, whatever you want to call it, had passed. Two weeks since Edd disappeared that night and didn't return. Tord, of course, was the first to notice Edd's unusual absence and panicked. He called Matt, and Tom, and eventually the police as the week dragged on and no sign of him was found. He was even—

“You were even added to the missing persons list!”

Yeah, that.

It felt weird being scolded by Matt. When was the last time his friend looked this angry? When was the last time he even _spoke_ to Matt? When Edd arrived home to his apartment, Tord, Matt, and Tom were all there. Edd, too shocked to reply, was left defenseless against Matt's rant.

“Well!? Come on, Edd! You can't stay silent!”

“Sorry,” was the only bitter reply he could come up with. It was more of a growl, like a cat threatening to claw you at any moment. He would love to confine in his friends about where he had been and about all the misery he's been plagued with for years, but he knew he couldn't. This was his fight and his alone. It always has been and always will be.

“Oh, you better be!” Matt snapped back. “Do you know how much he worried everyone!? I've never seen Tord show so much emotion!”

Edd found that statement about Tord a little funny. He snickered.

“You think this is funny!?”

“Matt, calm down,” Tom interjected calmly. He looked a lot more tired and careless compared to his highschool self—in fact, he was openly drinking from a flask. Edd flinched at the stench of alcohol but remained composed. He dealt with these things better now; he was older and stronger. “He’s just relieved you're back. He was really scared something bad happened.”

 _After ditching me since highschool ended? I'm surprised he cares at all!_ Edd angrily thought, but did not dare voice it. Not when Matt is so bad tempered.

“Still—” Matt went on, fuming and looking incredulous. “Just where _were_ you?”

“I don't have to say,” Edd shrugged.

“It's the least you can do!—”

“So use to having everyone bend to your will as always, Matt,” Tom spoke again, smooth and low. Edd blinked with shock at his unfiltered honesty. He would _never_ say such blunt things in highschool! What happened? “If Edd doesn't want to talk about it he has a reason, so leave it.”

Matt seemed equally as shocked by Tom's blunt statement—he must have not spoken to Tom for as long as Edd himself had—but even more shocking, Matt didn't rebuttal him. He just fell silent.

“Thanks,” Edd mumbled to Tom, who gave a brisk nod.

“Well, I'd better tell the cops Edd's not missing anymore,” Matt sighed in annoyance.

 _Why don't you just get back to your_ superior _life, then, if it's so much trouble!_ Edd wanted to hiss back at Matt's rudeness, but kept his mouth begrudgingly shut.

“Don't worry about him,” Tom muttered once Matt had walked out of the apartment. “He's been really stressed over this.”

“Yeah,” Edd mumbled back, not believing a word Tom said. “Whatever you say.”

“...I know he's a bit prickly about it, but he cares,” Tom reassured quietly at Edd's sour tone.

“I'll believe it when I see it! He's been nothing but a nuisance my whole life—can't believe I called him my friend.”

“That's not true and you know it,” Tom sternly inputted, frowning. He took a swig from his flask. “But I suppose that’s for you to work out. See ya, Edd.”

Edd blinked and watched longingly as his old friend exited the apartment. He wished to confine in Tom. He didn't treat him like a child. He didn't get angry at him. He seemed so much calmer and wiser now, and Edd wished he could tell him everything.

_But I can't._

“Hi, Edward.”

Edd froze in his tracks as he almost crashed into Tord. Shit, he forgot Tord was here. He was always so damn quiet! “H-Hi.”

“I’m glad you are back. I missed you.”

“You missed me?” Edd echoed with disbelief. Sure, they were roommates and all, but Tord seemed to have zero emotion most of the time. He actually _missed_ him?

“Of course!” Tord's eyes sparked with irritation. “You are my best friend! I was so scared something bad happened to you, especially after…” Tord quickly closed his mouth, as if he realized he had spoken too much.

Edd, however, caught this little detail. “Especially after…?” he prompted the other to continue.

“I...there was...one of your art tools in the bathroom the morning you left, and…”

 _The knife!_ Edd's heart lurched.

“I didn't tell anybody about it.” Tord admitted guilty. “I don't know why. I just felt that…”

“Thank you.” Edd didn't wait for Tord to finish his thought before pulling the other into a hug. “I wish I could tell you want happened, Tord, but I can't. Just keep this a secret between us, okay? Don't tell anyone.”

Tord looked dumbfounded at the sudden hug, and more so at Edd's desperation to keep this all under wraps, but he still nodded slowly and agreed. “Okay.”

.  
.  
.

 

"Earth to Edward? Helloooooo?" 

Edd blinked several times and gave his head a quick, vigorous shake. He lifted himself up, his hands sinking into the soft mattress under his weight as he stared up at Tord. He expected to see the Norwegian wearing his usual smug grin as he twirled an unlit cigar in his hand, but his mouth was flat in a neutral expression; his blue eyes untelling of what he was thinking. Edd blinked again.

"I thought you died, or something," Tord continued on now that he had Edd's attention, amusement seeping into his tone. "Matt has a movie he wants us to watch, are you going to watch it with us or what?"

Edd, once more, didn't speak. Instead, his gaze drifted from Tord to the nightstand adjacent from his bed. His DS, closed and still blinking green, laid messily on the mound of papers and junk that always seemed to clutter his nightstand. Just how long had he spent wrapped up in his own mind? He couldn't even recall what happened between him talking to Tord in the living room and now, lying in his bed gazing off. Not bothering to answer Tord, he flopped back down on his bed, his head softly thumping against his pillow.

_How did I forget?_

The most painful, lonely, yet life-changing moment of his life...and he forget it even happened at all. But, perhaps he didn't forget. Maybe the emotions were just too much to bare, so he repressed it. But now, it had been untied, and Edd didn't know what to do. It was like floating in a vast, never ending ocean. You could swim it, but when will it end? Who is to say you wont get tired and eventually drown? Does the land on the other side even exist? Would it be better to just give up now than to suffer more? Edd couldn't figure the answer. All he knew was the last thing on his conscious was watching a stupid movie. He didn't want to get up; he didn't even want to be  _awake_.

Edd's attention snapped away from his thoughts once more when he felt a warm, gentle grip on his hand. He rolled his head to the side, seeing now that Tord had taken one hand out of his hoodie pocket and was holding Edd's. For a moment, Edd wondered if Tord was playing some sort of trick or trying to mess with him, but just as quickly as the thought came it went. He remembered Tord was never good with words, even now that he knows English perfectly well. He could never comfort somebody verbally, but always tried his best non-verbally, which resulted in him holding somebody's hand to show his support. Edd honestly thought he had stopped doing that since highschool ended, but he supposed not, it seemed. 

"You're thinking about what I told you earlier, aren't you?" Tord spoke quietly.

Edd looked up to him wordlessly for a moment before sighing. "Observant as always, Tord."

Tord sharply exhaled in light amusement. "It's not too hard to figure out."

While he made no reply, Edd found the comment to be quiet funny, if not for an odd reason. Tord was so observing and calculating, something that wasn't "hard to figure out" by his standards could be quite impossible for others. Then again, Edd was aware how disconnected from reality he himself was, so perhaps it really  _wasn't_ that hard to pin-point a cause. Regardless, that was neither here nor there, and something different captured the interest of Edd. Tord's icy blue eyes were staring down at him, almost feeling like two piercing skewers. They were almost intense; focused. Edd wondered what the other could possibly be thinking about. Maybe he was also caught up in what happened all those years ago? After all, it must've affected him as well. Edd felt guilty at the knowledge that he abandoned his friend without telling him why, but he reasoned that it was in the past now, and there was no reason to worry about it anymore.

And Edd wasn't wrong to assume that Tord was thinking of that event too, because he quickly spoke. Rather—he asked, "why didn't you tell anybody?"

An indescribable feeling of dread and coldness dropped through Edd's chest, but he couldn't understand why. The question was so vague; he had no clue what Tord meant with it. He thought after all these years the question that would've been eventually asked by someone is "why did you do that?", since Edd never gave anyone an answer. But Tord's question was...odd. "What—do you mean why didn't I explain anything?" 

"No," Tord calmly replied back. "I'm not talking about when you returned. I'm asking about why you left in the first place."

Edd stared back with wide eyes, feeling even more confused than before if that were possible. "Why I left?"

"Yes," the Norwegian nodded. He chose to carry on as Edd stayed silent with bewilderment. "We were roommates for a long time, Edward. I had a lot of time to get to know you. After all, I'm very _observant,_ " Tord tacked on in jest. "I found it pretty obvious what was going on."

"You  _knew?_ " Edd's spoke, taking in a sharp inhale. Shame and embarrassment and fear made his skin crawl.

"Not exactly," Tord corrected. "I could tell you weren't happy, but that was it. But after I found that knife, and saw those faded  _"scratches"_ on your arm after some years, and had some time to think about it, it made everything suddenly clear." Tord let go of Edd's hand, returning his own back into his hoodie pocket. He kept eye contact with Edd, his gaze not one of pity or sadness, just curiosity. "Even if I  _am_ apathetic," Tord started, letting himself chuckle at his own hyperbolic statement, "I knew it wasn't my place to ask any questions. But I always wondered, why didn't you tell anyone?"

Edd adverted his gaze. He willed himself to choke back tears that were threatening to prick his eyes, feeling himself become just as vulnerable and helpless as he had been all those years. "What  _could_ I say?" Edd rhetorically replied, his voice cracking with misery. "I didn't..." He trailed off, swallowing down the lump in his throat and taking a few quick deep breaths to regain his composure. He didn't know what to tell Tord. There were so many reasons—so many things that prevented him from telling anybody what was happening, and yet he couldn't bring himself to say any of them. They were all so  _stupid_ ; he could see that now, right? Even if he agreed now that his reasons for refusing to reach out were dumb, he couldn't help but feel a stirring of doubt that maybe, just maybe, he was right all along. 

"It...I just couldn't tell anyone," Edd eventually spoke with an uneven tone.

Tord gave him a hard stare, and Edd wondered if he was going to ask more questions and pressure him into answering them. He braced himself, but felt his defense let down at his friend's words. "I understand," he replied evenly, unlike Edd. "I think everybody has problems too personal to share, even with their closest friends."

 _Is he right?_ Edd couldn't help but wondered about Matt, and Tom, and Tord himself. Were they all hiding things from one another? Things that still affected them to this day? How much did he really know about his friends? Edd suddenly felt more lonely and yet less lonely at the same time.

"Some things are just meant to be kept a secret," Tord reasoned with a hum.

Edd shifted, sitting up once more on his bed. "You never...told anyone, right?"

"Of course not!" Tord huffed indignantly, yet amusement twinkled in his frosty eyes. "I made a promise, didn't I?"

"Yeah...I guess you did," Edd smiled weakly. When he thought about it, he supposed Tord really wasn't all that unfamiliar with keeping secrets. From the day they met he had always been quiet and never spoke much about himself. Even in college, Edd realized Tord wouldn't open up about his home life. Perhaps they were similar in that sense; they may not have gone through the same things, but they knew how it felt to hide such a challenging moment in their life.

"Regardless," Tord started speaking again with an uncharacteristically warm tone. "I'm glad you pulled through."

Edd, shocked, spoke without thinking. "H-Huh? Really?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I think we would all be pretty upset if you died." The words caused an icy cold realization to course through Edd. However, Tord seemed very casual, as if he were entirely confident about the words he spoke. Jokingly, he added, "you're our brave little soldier~"

Edd narrowed his eyes, feeling butterflies in his stomach from Tord's _stupid_ affection. "Oh, shut up. That's gay," he mumbled.

"It's been nearly seven years and you  _still_ say that about everything." Tord rolled his eyes.

"Yeah? Well—it's called  _character traits_ ," Edd grinned in a thinly veiled amusement. Still, the words lingered in Edd's mind. Were they really happy that he was still here? He could understand anybody being saddened over the death of somebody they know, even if that person wasn't some close friend, but what if he didn't die, just left? Would they still be sad then? Was it just the gravity of dying that would make his friends sad, not the actual fact that he'd be gone? The day he returned popped into his mind.  _They didn't seem all too stoked to have me back._

"Whatever you say," Tord dismissed and snapped Edd out of his thoughts. "Do you want me to tell Matt you're not feeling up to watching the movie tonight?"

Hesitantly, Edd nodded.

"Alright." Tord moved away from Edd's bedside and to the door, flashing back a quick look at his friend before exiting. The moment of eye contact lasted no more than a second, but Edd could see understanding in Tord's eyes. Could he tell what he was thinking?

Before Edd could ask, the door shut, and he was left alone with himself once more.

"That was stupid," he mumbled aloud to nobody, falling back on the bed. He had no will to get up and do something. Honestly, he just wanted to lie here. Maybe sleep. He didn't want to think about if he  _should_ have died all those years ago or  _if_ his friends hated him. It was pointless debating with himself, because at the end of the day, he'd never have the answer. It was best to just trust what your friends say and walk blissfully through life, isn't it? He'd go mad questioning every little thing. Just as it always had been and always will be, he was alone, and the only thing he had to cling onto was hope. Not friends, or family, or doctors—just himself. 

Reaching for his still blinking DS, Edd shut away his thoughts, hoping to never think about them again.


End file.
